Today my mom and I got into a fight. It started because she told me I never help around the house and I wasn't allowed to go out or whatever, because one of my friends is throwing a bonfire tonight. We continued to argue until I let slip that my oldest sister doesn't even like her, to which my mom questioned. She yelled at me and we continued to argue until she made me force out why. I told her why my sister didn't like her (and it was something that happened between them before I was born), and my mom started screaming at me trying to make herself look better and whatnot. Essentially I was the messenger, but my mom was still really angry with me. In any case, I got really heated and I started to cry, really hard. I hadn't cried that way in a while, so hard that I got a headache. I went and sat on the floor of my room and I got suicidal thoughts again. Lately, my thoughts have gotten so bad that I even looked up ways to kill myself. I'm scared of what my thoughts are going to do. I started to cut myself. It was the first time... it was relieving, but it also made me feel sick to my stomach. I never wanted to be like this... but I feel the reason I keep thinking about suicide is that, I'm so scared of dying unnaturally (rape then murder, car accident, etc) that I know suicide would be the only way I can control it. I can control my death. I decide. I don't know what to do. I'm having troubles at home beyond fighting. My mom keeps yelling at me because my dad doesn't pay child support on time and whatnot. She keeps telling me even though I've told her so many times before that I don't want to hear it. It's HER fighting with my dad, not me. I just want a normal relationship with her. I also have problems with my brother. He's so obnoxious and selfish and lazy lately, it makes me sick. I do my chores but when he doesn't do his I get yelled at. It's NOT fair. And then there are doubts with my relationship right now. I can't help but feel them. Like this bonfire I'm going to tonight, I don't even know if I want my bf coming. It's like, I'm the only person he's really going to talk to there, and I don't want to constantly entertain someone. I'm kind of a move around person, feel the crowd, and I don't want to be stuck to one person all night. Also, I miss my friends. And my sisters. And my head and back hurts. Lately I've been getting really bad pains in my arms and legs, and it aches insanely. I couldn't even sleep last night because it hurt so bad. I don't know what I'm going to do anymore. I don't know where to start things.. Or end them. God, help me.
3 Comments
Eduardo
12/31/2011 01:17:30 pm
stop it. I wish i could say something like "i know where your coming from" but i cant. 'Lizzie' you're cool and above that ish. i know it feels like that is the only way to relive yourself of the stress, but its just the beginning. My cousin Mary started out like this...right now she's to the point where she has scars up and down both arms. She's gotten better, but now she's dying her hair like every week. What she told me that helps her is finding joy in the simple things. (Although she is lazy) She is the most amazing artist I've ever met, but she's stubborn. You have talents; you can sings, your smart, (school and socially) you have opinions and you stick to them. You have so much to live for, and i know you dislike me, just think about all the people who will miss you...half of our class, your family. Who will your brother turn to? I know it seems like you are always fighting with your mom or brother, or someone, and i dont know the situation, but talk to one of your friends; Frances, Lara, Cashmere sweater (i know my code names are awesome) even T-Rex. About T-Rex, if you're that "move around" person, its fine, but "move around" and include him. balance it out and include him in things but you dont always have to do it....
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Allie
1/1/2012 12:57:38 am
Cashmere sweater??
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Eduardo
1/1/2012 11:41:04 am
The opposite of Mike Stec's cover of Static Waves "I wouldn't let you leave" (Im just clever as a.....pendejo)
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AuthorHi, my name is Lizzie. I'm about to turn 18, and I'm worried a lot, and I love food, and I lack self-control a lot, and I'm really talkative, and none of this information is important, yet I'm compelled to say it all. This is my blog. Archives
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