I hate my life. Sometimes I really wonder why I have a purpose for breathing. Sometimes in the car I hope I get in an accident, or someone will randomly shoot me. I'm so depressed for no reason. Yeah, I have a lot of shit going on at home, but that doesn't give me an excuse to be such a little whiny bitch. But maybe it does. I hate that my friends don't understand me. I wish someone would fucking understand me! I'm lost and I have things about myself that I wish I could let go of. I feel so disconnected from everyone. Some of them are mean to me for no reason, too, or maybe I just take everything too personally. I hate thinking that sometimes they'd be better off without me... I'd be better off without them. But I hate being lonely. I hate it. I wish I could tell someone everything. I wish someone would just listen and not say a thing. But that's not possible. People have too many opinions and want to say them. I get it, but I don't want to hear it. People kill me. I'm so jealous of everyone that has everything I don't. I'm jealous of people who've had both parents at their side their entire lives. I'm jealous of people with beautiful homes. I'm jealous of people who grew up in a supporting family. I'm so god damn jealous. I want to be older now. I want to be beautiful, powerful, free... but I'm not. I wish I could just disappear. I hate myself.
Relationships are not ideal. No matter what you do, you will never have the exact fantasy relationship you always imagined having. It just won't happen.
For so long before, I was alone. I didn't know what it was like to be with anyone at all. I always thought when I finally got with someone it would be perfect, just like the movies told me it would be. It wasn't. It was actually the opposite. I suppose that sounds awful, but it is the truth. Relationships can be amazing and wonderful and eye-opening, yes, but they will never be picture perfect. There are always complications in life. Someone's busy, someone's sick, someone's unhappy. Even for a brief moment, there will always be faults. This was something it took long for me to realize. I wish there was someone that would have told me having a boyfriend is not going to be perfect. I wish someone would have opened my eyes and let me see the realities. We're both young, broke, and too far away. We're busy and life is moving quickly. I've realized, at this point, I don't need to take it so seriously. I'm not going to be with this guy for the rest of my life. I'm going to be with probably several guys before I find someone I want to spend everyday of the rest of my life with. That's okay. I'm young, and things can be casual as hell if I want them to be. No rush. In any case, this is my "revelation" as one may call it. Things have gotten better since it. I'm happy to say I am completely content with being alone. I realize I've been a terrible blogger, lately. I've become somewhat attached to this website called Tumblr, and I've kind of abandoned Weebly. But I miss writing. So now, I will try to update this a bit more often. High school is interfering with that just a bit, so I'll try my best. I really will.
On another note.. well. Where do I begin? I have been experiencing health problems- minor, but consistent. They never seem to leave me. I had a cold for a week and a half. Last weekend I had the fever and a flu. I've had migraines for two weeks straight, and constant bloating from menstrual changes. Not to mention, I've been in and out of the hospital because I have a condition called SVT, which is a kind of arrythmia. According to the doctor, less than 1% of the population gets it. Basically, my heart will have these episodes where it will beat really fast for extended periods of time. They're caused by a "train track" in my heart that very few people were born with. On the day I got my episode, I had a spark that started the train. Because most people don't have the train track, they can't get SVT attacks, but I can. And since I had the spark, it set off my heart to 200 beats per minute. Well, in any case, I can make it all go away with a catheter ablation (surgery type deal), but I don't really feel like doing that. So that's what's happening with my body. My mind, on the other hand, is insane. I'm kind of lost, to be honest. School isn't going so well. I feel very overwhelmed and tired. My sister still hates me. But, other than that.. I'm going insane for no reason. I have this image in my mind of what my life is going to be like in two years: I'll be living in a beautiful city, in a nice apartment or dorm, and I'm going to be so independent and free and I can't wait. I seriously cannot stand high school. Most of all, I think I'll be ready to date then. Dating in high school just isn't my thing, I realized. If it can't work out with the guy I've been crazy over the past two years, it can't work with anyone. I'm so indecisive, yes, I admit it. It kills me. One second I'm crying over some guy, and as soon as I get him, I don't want him. It doesn't make sense. I am so sad, too. I want to live in my fantasy. It angers me that my fantasy is so far away, so far beyond my reach, and time is just dragging out in front of me. I want to live on my own and work for myself. I hate being pressured to take care of people around me, especially my family. We're constantly falling apart. I just want, for once in my life, to worry more about myself than I do for them. I also have this imaginary guy in my mind. The guy will just come out of nowhere into my life. I want our relationship to be spontaneous and beautiful, one of those things you could never imagine is yours. I want to be able to learn more about him as we are together, instead of how it was with Ted - we already knew every detail about each other... it got... boring. I want it to be new and exciting. I'll wait. So, that's basically the way I feel about life. I'm living in a false world in my head. It's perfect and I like being there. The hard part is coping with the real world. |
AuthorHi, my name is Lizzie. I'm about to turn 18, and I'm worried a lot, and I love food, and I lack self-control a lot, and I'm really talkative, and none of this information is important, yet I'm compelled to say it all. This is my blog. Archives
August 2013
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