why does he do this to me?
I know I shouldn't be mad about this or sad or whatever, but fuck it - I am. He forgot my birthday. Or, he didn't forget because Facebook has been throwing it in his face, he's just ignoring me. Okay. Okay. Of all days we have an excuse to speak with one another he completely avoids me and I bet he's going to come up with some sly excuse as to why he forgot. Shit, why do I even care? we're just friends. He's such a bitch sometimes, I swear. I can't stand him! He's probably doing this so I can go mad over it. One of those fucking mind games. I can't deal with this anymore. It's not even about my birthday - it's that he forgot. And/or, he doesn't care. I hate him. God.
why does he do this to me?
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Some parts of me are willing to believe that you care more about me then you say you do. We exchange secrets, share music, laugh, sigh, and sometimes in the midst of it.. I cry.
But I wouldn't tell you that. I'll let you talk about her. Or her. You have every right to be happy, although the broken-hearted girl inside of me doesn't understand why you can't be happy with me. Isn't it ideal? To be with your best friend? Someone you know, trust, love, and care about? How am I not enough for you? I think about you more than I think about anyone else. Ever. I would do anything for you. If you needed me at 3 am, I would be there. I hate saying goodbye to you. I hate not being able to see you everyday. I hate not being able to tell you how I feel. I hate waiting around for you to text me back. Messaging isn't enough. I want to see you. I want to know how you are. I want to hear your voice, see your face, see your smile. When you tell me you want to see me, too, it's so refreshing... but it also hurts. I just want to spend as much time with you as I can. Time is going by so fast. I know this is all too much to ask you. But I can't help it. I wish you knew sometimes how much I care... but I couldn't tell you. I couldn't bear the thought of you saying you don't feel the same. I guess mystery is better than the truth. For now. So I'll be here wishing and waiting, hoping you care. By the way, I miss you more than you will ever know. Well, my class of 2014 has a group on Facebook and currently everyone is arguing on it about what presentation we're going to do for our Homecoming kick off. What annoys me is that people care so much about embarrassing themselves in front of the entire school, but the point of the videos and performance is to get laughs and cheers. I just don't understand why people aren't willing to put themselves out there just a little bit? If you sit around bitching about how stupid you're going to look and end up with a low key performance no one is going to like it very much. However, if you do something funny and creative and maybe a bit humiliating, then you will win a lot of approval by the school body. So why not act crazy?
Today was nuts. There was more drama in my life than I had in months. There were moments I was so close to an emotional breakdown but it didn't happen. I'm actually surprised. But they didn't get to me. I'm stronger than I thought I was. Better luck trying to tear me down next time.
"There are two sides to every story. And this is my side - the right one." - Olive Penderghast8/23/2011 Some of you may have read my post entitled "Really?"
If you didn't, this will make no sense. If you did, prepare yourself. Before I say anything further, I would like to state that under the first amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America, I have the right to free speech. And technically, you have that right, too. You also have the right to not read this. Take your pick. As well as being able to write my thoughts, I have the freedom to choose what I would like to write about. Ever since I could remember, I loved to write. It was my form of free expression, letting out what I never said out loud or what was bothering me. So recently, I wrote a post about a girl that I went to school with. I recognize that I said some very mean things about her, but never in a million years did I suspect her to read it. That's why this website is anonymous. Allie and I only told four other people about this website, including Chubnub. The other three people I know and trust, and not in a million years would they have said anything to this girl. So how the girl (Jean) and her friends found it is beyond me... The other night Jean texted me with a question. August 21, 2011 Jean: Hey if I ask you something, will you give me an honest answer? Me: Sure Jean: Okay so I found out about you and allies blog, dont be upset, it wasnt allie who told me. So I read it. And in your post a little while ago, am I Jean? Jean: Be honest, I wont be mad Me: Yes. You are. I was really mad at someone and it was the first thing that came to my mind. Who the hell told you? It's extremely private. Jean: Ah okay. Thought so. To be completely honest, I dont remember. I just know someone mentioned it a while ago. It wasnt allie though, I know that for sure. Jean: This was the first and last time I went on it though. Me: Was it (let's call her Amanda) Amanda? Sorry if I hurt your feelings or anything. Jean: No. Its fine, you should be able to express your feelings. I'm sorry I read it. I wont do it again Jean: I honestly dont remember who it was I just heard of it when I was on the east coat *coast Me: I know I'm just upset someone told you anyways. It's just that its our form of expression and I'm really offended that someone told you. Jean: Yeah no I completely get it. Again Im sorry I read it. Me: It's okay. Jean: But anyway, hows school?? How are the freshman? :/ And there were a few more exchanged messages before she went to sleep. As I suspect, Jean was still upset about the post, so she told her two friends, who told even more people at school. As soon as I came back from lunch today, everyone was talking about it. On impulse, I walked straight up to them and asked them if they knew about my blog. Of course I was so heated I don't even remember what I said. But before that, I had came to the conclusion that Jean was cool with everything so I never expected a problem to arise. If it were my friend, I suppose I'd be a bit angry. But I'd also be understanding. I mean - sure, I said some very mean things that I'm sorry about, but I never intended on hurting her feelings, ever. If I knew Jean would see that post, I would have never written it. Although, sometimes the world isn't always what it seems to be. So let me take a moment to address a few things... I don't like drama. The only drama I love or will let into my life is drama club at school, because I think acting is really fun and another great way to express feelings. I have real problems in my life, as I'm guessing you get a sense of based on my other posts. I have two parents that don't like each other very much, eight siblings (two of which I've never met), an ill grandfather, a little brother that I adore will all of my heart and do my best to protect from this cruel world, a mom that is in need of a shoulder to cry on, two cats that need nothing more but love, a dad that wants to be close with me, and so much more. The last thing I need is drama. And if you have read all of my posts, you know that I don't really say mean things about people. It was this once that it ever came out dirtectly on my blog. I never intended to hurt anyone's feelings, not even Jean's friends. Especially not yours, Jean. And I mean it. So for you, and only you, I deleted that post. But why did I write it in the first place? To be completely fair, I wasn't even mad at Jean. At all. I was mad at someone else, who none of you probably know at all. My mind automatically scrolled through my memory bank of mean things someone has said about someone else, and Jean's story was the first to come to my mind. In a moment of passion and anger, I wrote that post. It probably took me two minutes to get it out, and I moved on. Jean and I have had our differences in the past, and although I didn't like what she said about Karen, I didn't really intend on saying anything mean about her. But I suppose my post rubbed off the wrong way. I also suspect that Jean found our Facebook page for the blogsite, even though two people liked it. She told me someone told her about it, which doesn't make sense, but our email said she "liked the page". The reason we even created the page was in order to gain readers. Anonymous readers. We created a fake Facebook account for it, only for that purpose. It was never meant to be seen by anyone else, which is why about a month and a half ago, Allie revoked the rights of anyone "liking" any of our posts. Jean's friends said they were angry that we posted it on the internet. However, it is anonymous, with fake names and everything. We assumed it would be okay posting what we needed to get out with out any interference from the real world. It appears not. Plus, having an internet blog is so much easier and a lot more creative that writing it down in a book. That's a waste of paper, and we wanted other people to see it, just people we didn't know. In conclusion, I would like to quote the meaning behind this whole site. "Everything seen here and everything understood or heard, is from their brains directly." What Allie and I meant by this is that we are allowed to express ourselves in any way we would like, and we have every right to do that. Nothing will ever take away our abilities to write, not even this. Again, I'm sorry this even happened, believe me - I didn't want it to. But I also stand by my my freedoms. Therefore, we are changing the name of the website. Goodbye to you all. It's 4:32 am. I cannot sleep at all. My bus comes at 5:58 but I'm up because I was tortured last night at the thought of sophomore year. Today will be my first day back at school and although I won't be doing much, I'm still so freaking nervous. Freshman year I was a B-average student, just like every year, but I was pretty upset because B-average is not going to cut it for some colleges. My grades count, and I need scholarships to get me through college. I know my mom wont be able to afford my tuition, and even if my dad helps, it wont be enough. And I don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life. Anyways, I really hope I do better this year, and if I don't.. well... who knows. I don't even know where I want to apply because I have no idea what I want to do with my life. For a while I thought about being a psychiatrist, an author, or a historian, but it is really hard to accomplish these things and be successful at it. So at this point in my life I am completely undecided. I don't know what I'm going to do about my future, but I'm the only one who can control it. If I don't take care of it, no one will. I'm not a billionaire heiress who has her life handed to her on a gold platter. But- I'm kinda glad I'm not.
OK, here's what I know.
You value me as a friend. You think of me as a best friend and you feel like you can trust me more than you can trust any other friend. This is because you told me this, so. . . that's good. I know that you like to hang out with me, and although this is speculation, I believe it's true. Here's what I don't know. I don't know if you think I'm beautiful. Because, let's be honest, looks do count. And in your eyes, I could just be fairly attractive, or... pretty. But not beautiful. And I want you to think of me as beautiful. . . I don't know if you think me as much as I think of you. I wonder, how many times a day, or a week, do you think: Hey, I wonder what Lizzie is up to? Or do I only run across your mind when you need a book back or when you see my name on a chat list. I don't know if you love me. Not, romantically, but, as a friend. Because I definitely love you. But you have never told me that you loved me. Ever. I don't know if you think of me romantically. And this is the big one. . . I mean, when you're alone, watching some action movie and there's the big kiss out of nowhere, do you ever think of me? Or that other chick? Hmm. I bet it's her. So, if I were to ask you if you liked me romantically, there could be two outcomes: 1) You'd say yes. And we might start dating, even though we'd never get to see each other since we go to different schools and it could ruin our relationship. or 2) You'd say no. My heart would hurt. And it would be awkward between us. 'Cause you'd probably wonder why I even asked, and you'd come to the conclusion that I like you. Which, is, unfortunately true. And my life would be fucked. And I'd miss you. Like, right now. You're probably about to fall into sleep. And I'm going to go up to my bedroom and listen to Taylor Swift and think of you. And it's going to suck. . . So here's my plan. I date someone else. You date someone else. If we're meant to be together, then it'll happen. If not, then fuck it all. Friends. We can be friends. I hope. As promised, I decided to write about unhooking yourself from the hook. (Lost? See my post entitled "Hooked")
In my experience, observations, and time of utter and complete loneliness, I have found that there is only one way to unhook yourself from someone else's hook. It's so simple, and it's staring at all of us in the face. Let me tell you the story of Ted. Back in 6th grade, 7th grade, and the beginning of 8th grade, I was stuck on this kid Dylan's hook. Here I was, dreaming of Dylan, EVERYDAY. Literally, there wasn't a day that had gone by in over a year that I had not thought of Dylan. I don't even know why I liked him that much. I mean, he was cute, nice, and athletic. Well. Okay. Anyways, the beginning of 8th grade, come to find, he likes my best friend. He asked her to a dance, and she said yes. Being me, I was sad, and so I just told him I liked him. A few days later he told me, and I quote, "I think I'm starting to like you." Okay, so after all this other irrelevant shit goes down, we were about to start dating. However, he started to get really jealous of Ted, because Ted was my best guy friend. Dylan said I talked to Ted more than I talked to him, which was technically true. It was at that point, I realized, I didn't really like Dylan very much. I mean, realistically, he wasn't even that cute. He had an okay personality, and I'm not much for sports anyways. What was the deal, all those years, then? The hook. I created a Dylan in my head that actually didn't exist, someone I wanted him to be, someone I thought he was. As a result, I informed Dylan that I did not want a relationship with him. Two weeks later, as I started to get over Dylan, Ted asked me out. BAM. What did I do? I rejected Ted. It wasn't until a month after that I realized, hey, wait, I do kinda like Ted. He's honest, nice, funny, cute, mysterious, and has a nice taste in music. He's easy to talk to, loyal, and he's my best friend. Why didn't I realize this sooner? I was stupid, guys. So it began. I liked Ted, and ever since, I have not stopped thinking about him. Wait, why is Lizzie telling me all of this? GOOD QUESTION. It's really simple. In order to get over someone, or, get off their hook, you have to find someone that you care about more. Thinking about it now, I know, I have absolutely NO feelings for Dylan whatsoever. Sometimes I wonder why I even cared so much. And I would have never truly gotten over Dylan if I didn't realize how wonderful Ted was. In fact, if I didn't start liking Ted, I probably would have found a reason to get back on Dylan's hook. Because I was comfortable that way, it was easy, it was something I was used to. So now you know. There are other people out there. Just look around you. You'll see who really matters in your life. Do you want to know what pisses me off?
When my mom comes up to me, which is pretty much everyday, complaining about the bills or whatever she needs to pay like it's somehow going to make it easier on both of us if I listen. Because obviously, she is a single mother and has no husband to talk to these things about, let alone any friends, and it's so stupid that I'm the person she finds she needs to tell everything to. You know, it's not my fault you had six kids and got cheated on or had to go to court for child support. And then she comes up to me and says, "You know, I have to pay this water bill but your father hasn't payed this week. He's late, as always. I think he's trying to pull something here." Then she goes off about this stupid suspicion that he's trying to get out of paying child support, which isn't my problem in the first place. Maybe if she never fucked him to begin with and never had me she wouldn't have this problem. It's so stupid because she says it to me like it's my fault that he doesn't pay. I'm so sorry that you decided to not have the abortion, mother. Next time you decide to complain to me about it think that it's HIM doing these things, and NOT ME. So shut the fuck up please because I don't want to hear it. And you know, this is part of the reason I can't stand some of my peers. They complain about their parents not letting them go to a party or doing whatever shit, yeah well at least your parents can still be in a room together without tearing each other's throats out. Or how about the fact that your parents still like each other. Or, let's go deeper - love each other. What the fucking shit. Ungrateful bastards. Oh wait, let's see. I'm the bastard here. Fuck my life. |
AuthorHi, my name is Lizzie. I'm about to turn 18, and I'm worried a lot, and I love food, and I lack self-control a lot, and I'm really talkative, and none of this information is important, yet I'm compelled to say it all. This is my blog. Archives
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