this will always be my favorite episode of One Tree Hill. <3
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you didn't raise me
you didn't rush me to the hospital when I ripped my nose open you didn't call on my birthdays you didn't hold me sunday mornings before church you never made me breakfast, lunch, or dinner you didn't drive me to school you didn't teach me how to tie my shoes you didn't buy me clothes, book bags, or makeup when I started to grow up you didn't care for years of my life and now... suddenly everything is okay? and you want me to go out of my way to pack up my bags and move so I can be closer to you? you want me to leave behind the only people that gave me all the love you never gave for years and years while I cried myself to sleep? how are you that selfish? and it's incredible that all that time that passed... you didn't even love me In the past 8 days I've stayed with three different parts of my family. The first was with my aunt and uncle, then with my sister, and now with my dad and his wife and daughter. I'm not too excited I'm here but it's a lot easier than last time and I'm looking forward to learning more about my family. Lately I've been reading Jane Eyre and trying to cross some books off of my list of 8 that I have to read for Testing English come sophomore year. I actually kind of like it, I just need to get more into the story I suppose. Another thing - I'm really enjoying the food here. Yesterday for lunch I had North-African inspired French food, and it was amazing. For dinner last night I had lomo saltado and coke. And the day before I ate at a real Italian restaurant in the upper-west side of Manhattan. Ahh, yes, I can definitely get used to this.
After months of waiting and no sleep, I've finally made it to the big apple. And how do I feel? Well, to be completely honest, extremely lonely would be the answer...
Once again, my uncle will not get off my fugging ass about my not speaking spanish and will do everything in his power to make me feel like a complete idiot by purposely speaking to me in spanish, and when I don't respond fast enough because I don't realize he's speaking to me, he will go and complain to my aunt. ANYWAYS, it's storming here and it's comforting actually, because it's really the only thing here that's making me feel close to tornado alley. I spent the entire day on the couch reading An Abundance of Katherines simply because I had nothing better to do. I tried to avoid my uncle and mealtime was the worst because everyone spoke spanish like it was their job to leave me out. Thank God for my aunt, she started speaking english when he left, but still... :'( And to top it off all of my friends back home spent a day at Six Flags while I waited by myself in three airports and ate Burger King like there was no tomorrow... However, things will hopefully change for the better because this weekend I will be spending with my sister in Manhattan so we can shop and walk around the city which is always fun (trust me, my oldest sister is one of the coolest people to hang with...) For now, though, I'll read the appendix of my book and wait for Saturday to stroll around. with love, Lizzie you've got your life handed to you on a silver platter by God
with all of the gold etched into it with rubies and diamonds well, I'll tell you something, my platter was handed to me and taken away several times and you want to know what was on my platter? shit. lots of it. mountains! and sitting at the top of my tallest mountain was an emerald. such a convenient place to put a jewel of that kind and everyday I climb the mountains of shit, sleeping and breathing, as I wait for it to go away, so I can make it to the emerald that's not even worth half of your platter but hell I still have one so that's all that matters, right? and even if I have to pick through all of this rubbish to get to a better place I'll do it because I learned things along the way that you never got to learn so I bid you luck as you will soon enter reality that I have already been living in my entire life and I bid you even more luck as you start the journey up that pile of shit, something I'm soon to be finished with. I want to want you but it's impossible because I don't trust you and I don't trust me yet you wanted things to work, though at this point, depending on how much you actually cared that may be impossible and I hate the fact that I always screw things up without even getting to fully feel the dropping of my heart as you ask me to dance or to hold my hand and I hate you and I hate me for it and now it's like we're strangers and I'm nothing to you or I could be imagining this all and I'm just extremely irrational and oblivious to
whole situation, just know I am thinking of you and I miss you. love, me. This can be better, you used to be happy, try...
Since I've been locked in this big ol' dungeon of a household, I have to think of things to do today that will be constructive. Right now I'm doing laundry, putting away clothes I don't need to bring on my trip, packing stuff that I will bring, and hanging up things I'll be wearing for the next few days. It really is a tiring process. Did I forget to mention that? I'm going to New York for a month. Last summer I did the same thing but it was a while since I'd seen my dad after the big court case so I felt slightly awkward being in his house for the first time in years. Even while staying with my mom's family, it was still odd. I mean, of course everyone remembered me, but I hadn't really visited any of them since I was 7 years old. It's like reintroducing myself to people that are so closely related to me... it felt unnatural. The only time I felt close to home was when I stayed at my sister's apartment in Manhattan. She's my oldest sister and I love her to death. She took me to Time Square and to work with her (she's the assistant to the lawyer of the senator of NY). It was so cool. I even got to touch a letter from Obama that he wrote to the new baby Beatrice the lawyer's family just had. Anyways, that's a bit off topic, but we also went to happy hour at a nearby bar (it's kind of a tradition for us). I got a lot of cool clothes at the Forever 21 in Time Square and lots of food at Chipotle and Pinkberry. We also went to the beach with our other sister (who was visiting for her birthday), aunt, and cousins. It was really cool because the waves were really high that day and there were tons of new shells coming up from the ocean. Well, I guess you could say that those are some of my favorite memories from last summer. But still I felt distant to everyone. I'm hoping that this year I wont fight as much with my dad now that we've developed a more civil relationship and we actually get along now, despite my efforts to hate him for eternity. It kind of just hit me one day - maybe I should try being nice to him? Even though he never truly said sorry for the pain he caused my mom and I, I tried to look past that because some people never really do change. And also, I wanted a dad in my life. Well, I always have, and God was just handing him to me (good or bad dad) and I wasn't taking advantage of it. I feel like that was the biggest forgiveness upon a person I've ever made in my life, and I'm glad I did it. I'm also hoping that my aunt and uncle will stop yelling at me for not speaking spanish and that my cousin will help me with guitar (he's so amazing at it, I'm JEALOUS). Well, yes, I'm looking forward to all these things, and I'm guessing since I already kind of introduced myself last summer, things will be easier this summer.
Rules to my aunt's house: Eat breakfast every morning, no excuses. Clean up your mess. Offer to clean up. Don't go on the computer at all during the day. Watch tv with my uncle if I have to. Take a walk while I'm on my period and don't sleep in bed because obviously that's rude. Ask to wash your laundry only during the day. Don't eat her leftovers because she's going to use them for dinner tonight. Try to swallow down that disgusting bread she tells me to eat for lunch. And lastly, don't be a pest. Rules to grandma's house: Eat all the food she gives me (which I have no problem doing, my grandma is a beast at making food). Talk to her, she's getting old, and I love her so much and I don't want her to go. Make an effort to spend time with her. Clean up after myself. Be nice. Rules to my sister's house: Clean up after yourself. Be chill. Rules to my dad's house: "Baby, this is your home, you can do whatever." Well if you say so dad... So. I think I'm ready for this madness. I just have to say goodbye to everyone here. Ugh :( see ya. it's comforting that no one but everyone is reading every single thought that's appearing in text before me... that makes no sense? haha. yeah, I thought so.
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AuthorHi, my name is Lizzie. I'm about to turn 18, and I'm worried a lot, and I love food, and I lack self-control a lot, and I'm really talkative, and none of this information is important, yet I'm compelled to say it all. This is my blog. Archives
August 2013
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