Sorry I literally haven't posted in ages.
The truth is, I can't make my mind up about anything anymore. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I think. I don't know what to say, because every thought in my mind comes from a different person.
I have my first boyfriend now. I don't know how I feel about it. Sometimes, I just think about him, and all I want to do is talk to him, and hold hands and all that stuff. And then other times, I can't stand the thought of him or being in a relationship. I can't stand the idea of attachment, of touching, of feeling.
I hate to be in society. There are so many requirements, so many feelings floating around. Everyone thinks something about you, everyone expects something out of you. I hate it.
When I'm around him, I just want to be a perfect girlfriend. That's how I am with everything-- I have this disgusting need to be perfect for everyone. I just hate to see people sad. But, with him, it's a problem, because he's antisocial, and he never does anything first. You have to go talk to him. You have to only talk to him.
I can't... not be there, because I want him to be happy. And I honestly don't care that I'm not with everyone else. I could care less. I hate groups.
My problem is that I can't choose for myself! And it's not his fault. It's no one but mine. And I think the only way to fix it is to retreat, I guess. At home, I am in control.
Well. That's not true. I'm not. Even at home, everyone expects something.
Even in my own head, I expect something. Writing in my own journal, I cannot escape the constrictions of society. Go read, go do something productive, how the fuck did you get two Cs? What the fuck?
What is wrong with me though? Can't I just be content? Can't I be myself? I need to find someone that really understands who I am. Who knows that I'm shy, that I hate groups, who knows that I hate for people to be sad. Can someone please just understand me and accept me and help me to get away from this bullshit?
No one can understand everything about me. I don't even understand myself. So there is no solution to this anxiety that I feel. I have to just live and hope that someone will find me and help me strike a balance. A balance between how much I hate everyone and love everyone.
Anyway... that's my life right now. I guess you can see why I haven't posted lately...
The truth is, I can't make my mind up about anything anymore. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I think. I don't know what to say, because every thought in my mind comes from a different person.
I have my first boyfriend now. I don't know how I feel about it. Sometimes, I just think about him, and all I want to do is talk to him, and hold hands and all that stuff. And then other times, I can't stand the thought of him or being in a relationship. I can't stand the idea of attachment, of touching, of feeling.
I hate to be in society. There are so many requirements, so many feelings floating around. Everyone thinks something about you, everyone expects something out of you. I hate it.
When I'm around him, I just want to be a perfect girlfriend. That's how I am with everything-- I have this disgusting need to be perfect for everyone. I just hate to see people sad. But, with him, it's a problem, because he's antisocial, and he never does anything first. You have to go talk to him. You have to only talk to him.
I can't... not be there, because I want him to be happy. And I honestly don't care that I'm not with everyone else. I could care less. I hate groups.
My problem is that I can't choose for myself! And it's not his fault. It's no one but mine. And I think the only way to fix it is to retreat, I guess. At home, I am in control.
Well. That's not true. I'm not. Even at home, everyone expects something.
Even in my own head, I expect something. Writing in my own journal, I cannot escape the constrictions of society. Go read, go do something productive, how the fuck did you get two Cs? What the fuck?
What is wrong with me though? Can't I just be content? Can't I be myself? I need to find someone that really understands who I am. Who knows that I'm shy, that I hate groups, who knows that I hate for people to be sad. Can someone please just understand me and accept me and help me to get away from this bullshit?
No one can understand everything about me. I don't even understand myself. So there is no solution to this anxiety that I feel. I have to just live and hope that someone will find me and help me strike a balance. A balance between how much I hate everyone and love everyone.
Anyway... that's my life right now. I guess you can see why I haven't posted lately...