On another note.. well. Where do I begin? I have been experiencing health problems- minor, but consistent. They never seem to leave me. I had a cold for a week and a half. Last weekend I had the fever and a flu. I've had migraines for two weeks straight, and constant bloating from menstrual changes. Not to mention, I've been in and out of the hospital because I have a condition called SVT, which is a kind of arrythmia. According to the doctor, less than 1% of the population gets it. Basically, my heart will have these episodes where it will beat really fast for extended periods of time. They're caused by a "train track" in my heart that very few people were born with. On the day I got my episode, I had a spark that started the train. Because most people don't have the train track, they can't get SVT attacks, but I can. And since I had the spark, it set off my heart to 200 beats per minute. Well, in any case, I can make it all go away with a catheter ablation (surgery type deal), but I don't really feel like doing that. So that's what's happening with my body.
My mind, on the other hand, is insane. I'm kind of lost, to be honest. School isn't going so well. I feel very overwhelmed and tired. My sister still hates me. But, other than that.. I'm going insane for no reason. I have this image in my mind of what my life is going to be like in two years: I'll be living in a beautiful city, in a nice apartment or dorm, and I'm going to be so independent and free and I can't wait. I seriously cannot stand high school. Most of all, I think I'll be ready to date then. Dating in high school just isn't my thing, I realized. If it can't work out with the guy I've been crazy over the past two years, it can't work with anyone. I'm so indecisive, yes, I admit it. It kills me. One second I'm crying over some guy, and as soon as I get him, I don't want him. It doesn't make sense.
I am so sad, too. I want to live in my fantasy. It angers me that my fantasy is so far away, so far beyond my reach, and time is just dragging out in front of me. I want to live on my own and work for myself. I hate being pressured to take care of people around me, especially my family. We're constantly falling apart. I just want, for once in my life, to worry more about myself than I do for them.
I also have this imaginary guy in my mind. The guy will just come out of nowhere into my life. I want our relationship to be spontaneous and beautiful, one of those things you could never imagine is yours. I want to be able to learn more about him as we are together, instead of how it was with Ted - we already knew every detail about each other... it got... boring. I want it to be new and exciting. I'll wait.
So, that's basically the way I feel about life. I'm living in a false world in my head. It's perfect and I like being there. The hard part is coping with the real world.